#Misguided

“Change has to come within”
                            -7am thoughts

I woke up decided today is the day for me to write down the list of goals I want to accomplish by the end of this year. My first step is actually finding a part time job. Why you might ask? Because I need the funding to take this blog to the next level. I don’t want to stretch my money so thin that I end up deciding to either pay a bill or pay for the continuation of this blog. My mom says I’m crazy for investing that much money in it. But I think one day it's going to pay off. It has to. I want it to. I figured I need to start channeling my energy into else where and not on “This One”. It’s time for me to snap out my pity party and stop questioning what I could have done to prevent that situation. Instead I need to move forward.

It has been officially two weeks since that incident happened between us. I tried everything to get back in contact with him. But yet and still, nothing. I even had my cousin to hit him and ask if he was going to bring me my belongings I left in his car. He said he would. But time has shown he hasn’t. I questioned our situation. I cried enough tears and asked for countless advice from everyone. And it all leads to the he will come back but not now. WHEN!?! The statement I asked myself over and over again. But honestly, it’s getting to the point where I don’t care anymore. I just want my belongings back. Part of me still wants to hold on and fight for us. But that's the same part of me that has me on anxiety pills. After two weeks of any situation with any guy, I can shake it of. But with “This One” I can’t. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

I went to Houston for the weekend to see my bestfriend. We had our moment where we cried together. Needless to say she is going to be okay. And our friendship is going to be okay. During the weekend I thought it was going to be time for me to get over some things and get my head together. But it wasn’t and even though I had fun and missed my first flight back home, it wasn’t till today where I had a direct mind of what I needed to do. At first I wasn’t ready to come back to Chicago and then suddenly, I got anxious to come back home. To my space where I could sort out my thoughts and have a peace of mind. As of this moment that's what I need in my life; peace of mind, clarity, and sense of direction. It’s funny around this time every year I always get blessed with something big. Whether is a promotion, something pertaining to this blog, or relationships. I always had a win around this time. And now it seems as if I lost a sense of direction. After waking up this morning and deciding  not to go “Bat shit” crazy on “This One”, was a sign telling me to take more control over my life. Have self control and even if I did decided to go “Bat Shit” crazy what would that solve than showing him  that I am crazy? See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

I wrote my top 5 goals down that I want to accomplish before this year is up. I taped it to the wall to remind myself everyday. This is something I did when I was ready to move from TC to the bar. I worked at it and everything fell in place. I keep trying to remind myself everyday that this position i'm in life right now is just temporary. And that I have overcame so much more difficult hardships than this. No matter what, I gotta keep moving. It hurts with “This One” and I know I have to be a little more patient. But see I got us tickets for this concert as his sweetest day gift. So I think that’s the thing that's holding back from moving on. I will give him until Sunday to contact me. If he doesn’t, I will sell the tickets and fully move on with my life. I still want to make the changes to my drinking habit even if he doesn’t hit me up. Not sure how I feel but I know I have shit to accomplish and my aggressive energy wants to win. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.