#Fearpart1

“Fear has a way of paralyzing your decision to execute because of what we think of ourselves”.- Blogger Mattie James

Ladies if you really want to know how a guy feels about you, tell him you’re pregnant and watch his response. Will his response be “okay let's figure this out”. Or, will his response be “Damn!” “Wow”. I guess you can say the “Young Boy’s” response to this was neither. Instead he lashed out exclaiming how he didn’t want a kid by me. At that moment he was officially known as “A BITCH ASS NIGGA!”. Explaining to him back and forth how this is all not my fault (it takes two). And even after telling him I didn’t want to keep it. His actions proved he is not ready for me. I am 27 years old. I have a life, dreams, goals, and bills. I declined the money for him to give me for the abortion. Hell! I will figure this out on my own just like how I always do. Anxiety, depression, and now if only this was true! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

If it’s not one thing it’s another. I walked for the first time in my life. I was given the “opportunity” by my GM to walk out at that moment in the middle of my shift. I did exactly what he said to do, “run my check out”. I couldn’t believe it. All in shock. Tears ran down my face. “This is really happening”, I thought over and over again. I woke up the next day thinking what I could have done to avoid this. Be the calm to the storm and pulled back on my attitude as a black woman? Be the voice to the reasoning and say, “can we talk about this another time we are super busy”? Or just sat there and had no voice to what was being yelled. And even walked away. Everyone keeps telling me how if didn’t happen now, it was bound to happen in the future. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe bar management isn’t my thing. Or maybe I needed a change at that moment and the universe decided this would be my moment of change. Deep inside this feels like a bad break up. Deep inside I want to go back. But I was comfortable there. And we all know in order to grow, you have become uncomfortable. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

(I’m not the type of person to talk openly about my relationship with God. But whatever here it goes).

I saw two post today from a pastor randomly on my Facebook timeline. One was titled “marked”. In this post he talked how sometimes god will use you as a mark. You might become an answer to a problem. Meaning just be patient work on your craft, and things will come to you. Another post was titled “Does “IT” need to end. In this post he talked how a wood doesn’t sharpen a saw but how it makes it dull. Meaning certain relationships have to end because its not making an impact in your life. Crazy as it sounds,both of these popped up when I wanted to cry about my job situation. But then I took a minute to think. I already had another job lined up at another bar for the summer. My work skills alone stood so impressive that when I asked my manager at the clothing store if I could stay a little longer after only having day left in my two weeks notice. I wanted one job that could focus on brand more. I wanted to get out there and see what other bars I could get into. It’s the fear of not finding a bar that I could stay at year round and make decent money. It’s the fear of not having enough finances to progress my brand. It’s the fear of coming into another establishment and not being the one in charge. It’s the fear of, “you’re pushing 30, so you need to figure it out”. It’s the fear of change. It’s the fear of letting go and trusting god. See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.

I keep telling myself we are going to take this one day at time. I can’t change what has happened in the past. It’s best for me to move forward. I keep saying how this feels like a bad break up. It’s the exact same feeling I had when “My Ex” and I moved out. I was scared. Didn’t know what to do. Didn’t have a plan. I worked and it got me exactly where I needed to be. It brought out that crafty side of me. After all that break up did help to build this blog. So here is my second bad break up. I love you for you who you and everything you have done for me. Maybe one day we can be different and have closure. But until then..cheers! See the irony in this? All the more reasons why not to date her.